"I am the Keeper of the Advance Transit bus schedule! All shall fear me and despair! You there, small and insignificant human, what is your quest?"
"I want to go to the Kmart in West Lebanon to buy rainboots."
"In all the history of the world no one has attempted such a thing. It cannot be done."
"But I really need rainboots."
"Puny mortal, cower before me! There is a pathway to Kmart, but it is a perilous journey and you will not come back alive."
"How do I get there?"
"First you must board the Orange Line, which appears before the Dartmouth Bookstore on the eve of a blue moon when Mercury is retrograde and Jupiter is in the seventh house. You must pay the driver one obolus to board and another to return."
"I thought AT was free."
"One obolus to board and one to return, you wretched mortal! Once you are on the bus you will encounter numerous strange and horrifying beasts. Your cloak of invisibility will be completely useless and you will need a minimum of +5 Strength. The Orange Line will bring you to the Bus Shelter of Infinite Misery, which lies to the south of the Ered Lithui and north of the Plateau of Gorgoroth."
"Is that in Lebanon?"
"It is to the east of Lebennin! One year and a day after you arrive at the Bus Shelter of Infinite Misery the Red Line will approach. Board it. The password is 'password.' If you prove worthy in the eyes of the driver he will gift you with the magical sword Nothung. However, if you incense him he will hurl you in the oubliette."
"The bus has an oubliette?"
"Yes. Yes, it does."
"How does AT pay for all this stuff?"
"Do you dare contradict me, wretched mortal who doesn't have a car?"
"I'm sorry. So the Red Line brings me to Kmart, does it?"
"Of course not, you fool! The Red Line will bring you to Hollywood Video, whence you must journey by foot across the Damp Car-park of Doom and down the Little Weedy Road of Deadly Squelchy Death. Then you will come to the Kmart plaza and can do your shopping."
"Oh, well, that doesn't sound too bad. I suppose I just have to do the same in reverse to get back to Hanover, then?"
"No! How dare you apply puny human logic to the supremely inane plans of the Advance Transit bus schedule elder gods! You have to climb over the Snowy Embankment of Extreme Inconvenience to the grocery store in the adjacent plaza and catch the Red Line bus there."
"That sounds extremely inconvenient, but I think I can manage."
"But beware, for upon the Snowy Embankment of Extreme Inconvenience there dwell trolls of fearsome appearance and hideous nature. But if you agree to marry the king's daughter he will let you pass."
"I'm a girl, though."
"Civil partnerships are legal in the troll kingdom of West Lebanon."
"Right, so the Red Line brings me back to the –"
"– Bus Shelter of Infinite Misery."
"Where I board the Orange Line –"
"– for the price of one obolus."
"And that gets me back to Hanover. It seems a bit excessive, but I do need rainboots."
"All who journey upon the Advance Transit bus do so at their own peril! Thus sayeth the Keeper of the Advance Transit bus schedule!"