Which Wing is Your Thing?

by Fred Meyer '08

More Marxism or better marksmanship? Save fetuses or free abortions? Veal succulent or tender? Find out what YOU believe!

  1. Which soundly defeated presidential candidate do you most wish had won?
    1. Jimmy Carter in 1980.
    2. Bob Dole in 1996.
    3. Eugene Debs in 1900, 1904, 1908, 1912, and 1920.
    4. Jefferson Davis in 1860.

  2. You are the proprietor of a restaurant. A couple comes in with an infant whose diaper needs changing. Where do you direct them?
    1. To either bathroom, depending on which parent is in charge of natal care.
    2. To the women's bathroom.
    3. To the womyn's bathroom, if, as usual, the wommon in this relationship is saddled with the burden of child-rearing by her chauvinistic pig husband/product of an oppressive patriarchal society.
    4. To another restaurant, if any of them is black.

  3. For you, the word "welfare" calls to mind:
    1. Much-needed help for generations of America's downtrodden, who otherwise would have to go and seek gainful employment.
    2. Unnecessary taxes standing between you and victory in your biggest-Lear-jet-equals-biggest-penis contest with your fellow executives.
    3. The humble beginnings of a socialist/anarchist/environmentalist people's revolution.
    4. The leering head of Rush Limbaugh gnawing a wild boar in half.

  4. What do you strive to teach your children to avoid?
    1. Non-fair-trade coffee.
    2. A healthy attitude toward their sexuality.
    3. The Molotov Cocktails you throw at loggers from your California Redwood home.
    4. Letting slip that you ordered the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.

  5. How do you feel about Social Security?
    1. It's a mess, so we need to try not to think about it.
    2. It's a mess, so we need to fuck it up further.
    3. It's a mess, so the deficit must be made up in blood from the richest one per cent.
    4. I prefer euthanasia for the poor and infirm.

  6. If you could rid this country of one thing, what would it be?
    1. Oh, bigotry or hatred or something that makes it clear that I am sensitive and selfless and compassionate.
    2. Illegal immigrants, preferably even the ones with green cards and U.S. citizenship.
    3. Rich white males.
    4. People who are not rich white males.

  7. How many guns do you own?
    1. None! What do I look like, a redneck?
    2. More guns than I need, but less guns than I want.
    3. Being a Druid, I prefer to fight with mace and dagger.
    4. One of each.

  8. Which of the following are you most in favor of killing?
    1. Unborn babies.
    2. Beautiful, helpless deer.
    3. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.
    4. Wrongfully convicted minorities and the mentally retarded.

Answer Key:

If you answered mostly A, you are: a left-winger. You enjoy wearing square-rimmed glasses, listening to folk music even though you hate the parts of the country it actually comes from, and affixing "You Can't Hug a Child With Nuclear Arms" stickers to your small, ugly car.

If you answered mostly B, you are: a right-winger. You enjoy eating high-cholesterol foods, living a strenuously repressed life, and using impassioned rhetoric about "American values" to cement the support of the working class you impoverish to further enrich yourself.

If you answered mostly C, you are: a left-wing nutjob. You have shaped your life around a vague muddle of unworkable intellectual leftovers from socialism, pacifism, the Civil Rights movement, and the environmentalist lobby. You are self-righteous, shrill, and virulently passive-aggressive. Look out, world!

If you answered mostly D, you are: a right-wing fascist-reactionary. Your startling ignorance is matched only by your undisguised contempt for anyone who does not share your anachronistic, contorted worldview. Your wild-eyed, vitriolic attacks purport to be in the service of a return to some imaginary set of traditional values, but the odds are overwhelming that you're engaging in some deeply unethical behavior yourself. Shut up!