Mugging a passerby on a deserted city street can be a very rewarding experience, but before going out to jack that jogger's snazzy iPod, you should make sure you're going to get the most out of the mugging. Using this helpful how-to guide can ensure that you have the know-how to successfully get the cash to feed your drug habit.
Plan on beating up an old woman? Bring a heavy boot. Want to strangle the food stamps off that homeless man? Don't forget piano wire. Intent on murdering the victim so that no witnesses are left? Better make that two heavy boots. Plan ahead and know what you intend to do so that you can make sure you have all the equipment necessary. If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right.
As you sit hunched in the alley lamenting the emptiness of your crack pipe, glance around you. Which of these people do you want to make your victim? If this is your first time mugging somebody, it is generally advisable to go after the most vulnerable mark possible. Look for quadriplegics, war veterans, ice cream truck operators, meth freaks, cocker spaniels, graveyard-shift Jehovah's Witnesses, social activists, and anyone carrying a large, unwieldy box. The less prepared your mark is to deal with your irrational, shrieked demands, the fuller your coffer will be by daybreak.
Unless you plan on springing a flustered, fat, rich kid from the suburbs (considered something of a White Whale in the mugging community), your mark is going to need some "encouragement" before he allows you to make off with his belongings. Firearms are generally the easiest kind of weapon to use, but can run into high price ranges- purchasing a pistol will really only make financial sense if you intend to make a career out of mugging. Shanks can be purchased during your previous prison term (if applicable) for about two packs of smokes; they are also easy to make at home if you possess a jagged piece of metal and have several hours for crafting at your disposal. Other popular tools of the trade include screwdrivers (flathead only), bricks, the sharp end of "I Gave Blood Today!" pins, and heavy, rugged rope. If you're the creative, artsy type, you might do better with such unique weapons as AIDS-infected needles, live electrical wires (requires proximity to an outlet), VX poison gas, or a vest of explosives. Remember: there is no such thing as a "non-weapon."
Nothing is more embarrassing than getting up to your mark and forgetting what it is you wanted to do in the first place. Statistics show that victims have very short attention spans for criminals (averaging 2-5 seconds), and will soon walk away in disinterest if you aren't clear about your purpose. Make a specific request: "Gimme your money!" is much too vague, and is a phrase commonly misused by amateurs (it should only be used in convenience-store holdups and other situations in which the meaning of the noun phrase "your money" is made abundantly clear). Instead, demand a particular object (such as "your wallet"). If you wish to confuse your mark so that he or she is easier to rob, it may be useful to first demand an intangible object ("Hand over your memories!").
This step is optional, but advisable. If you're in the mood for administering a violent thrashing or committing felony rape, now is about the best chance you're ever going to get. And hell, if the cops are going to string you up for 10-15 anyway, you might as well make it for something worthwhile. Amateurs who are unsure they're ready for this step may wish to start small – by administering an "Indian burn," for example, or with cutting cultural commentary that clearly has the mark as its target.
According to a 2002 Kerrang! article, the most popular escape method amongst Central Park's famed muggers is the classic "Stagger Away Swearing Violently Under Your Breath." This does not mean, though, that it is clichéd or unoriginal; you should not feel pressured to change your preferred method of escape if it suits you. In general, you should try to find an escape that expresses your particular combination of psychotic sociopathy and hopeless drug addiction. If your getaway feels stiff or forced, try asking yourself, "What's my motivation?" Escape, yes, but what else? This simple technique can work wonders.
You got away with it? Well, then, bottoms up! Pat yourself on the back, relax, and treat yourself to something special – like a five-day bender. Mugging isn't always easy, and you deserve a break. Enjoy yourself and rest up for that next special evening when you need some fast cash.