And now, the only band in the Ivy League whose jokes are funny... if you get them, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Please rise as faculty directory Max Culpepper directs the band in the National Anthem.

We all had a great time last night, and hope you did, too, but we were a little concerned with the waste of valuable natural resources in the bonfire. Here is a list of the top 7 unlimited resources that should have been used to build the flaming pyre:

7) mail from the deans’ office

6) leaf-happy tourists

5) advertisements for lawn parties at AD

4) jilted HTHs

3) the opinion section of the D

2) the River Cluster

and 1) the Yankees. Burn, baby, burn!

We’re so happy that you Cornell fans aren’t from New York City, we’ll treat you to one of your favorite tunes.

Please rise as student conductor Lauren “No one is allowed to call me a fascist dictator!” Bellucci conducts the Dartmouth College Marching Band in the Alma Mater.

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that just witnessed further proof of the failure of communism and is about to show that democracy still gets the work done better, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The DCMB would like welcome all of the alumni joining us for today’s homecoming game. Thank you for your continuing support of the Big Green. Now please welcome the band alumni as they join us in the center of the field.

We recently found out that the inventors of the pacemaker and the Heimlich maneuver are both Cornell alums. This makes sense to us because the thought of going to Cornell stops our hearts and makes us gag. Cornell, also known as The Big Red, is the only school in the Ivy League whose band has not yet experienced a democratic revolution. Did you notice their unimaginative formations and the unhappy, oppressed looks on their faces? “Is this band... Communist?” you ask. Has Regis Philbin ever been on daytime television? Their mascot is a dancing bear. The band webpage, and I am not making this up, Dave, has a link to www.communism.com. Last night we saw them partying to Marxy Marx and the Workin’ Bunch. You do the math. Personally, we think our portraits of Eleazer Wheelock are better than Ezra Cornell encased in glass.... Watch now as the band forms a hammer and sickle and plays “Castro Can’t Turn You Loose From Your Chains, Either.”

Despite everyone’s love of homecoming, some campus groups are already thinking of ways to improve our celebrations next year.

The cheerleaders wanted to increase the danger of the ‘shmen’s laps around the bonfire by linking arms and running in the opposite direction... but unfortunately the rugby team already has this taken care of. Psi U wants to host a keg jump on roller skis. Theta is looking forward to holding the first teddy bear club swim and picnic. Student art majors are proposing a modern sculpture on the green, constructed with a pile of leaves, pine needles, and dog stuff. Everyone can help sculpt it - just jump right in! Personally, we’d like to speed up the freshman sweep by putting a few lions at the rear. Watch now as the band forms a sculpture of the bonfire and plays “Disco Inferno.”

Normal life in Hanover will stop next week as political big wigs appear to debate issues, non-issues, and quasimodo issues. In an effort to modernize the political process, each candidate has been asked to prepare a lip synch routine to their favorite song by Madonna.

It is unfortunate that the Reform Party will not be debating because their new presidential possibility, Donald Trump, could have done a brilliant portrayal of Madonna's early song "Laugh to Keep from Crying." And we were very disappointed to learn that Elizabeth Dole had to drop out of the competition after she fractured her hip when going for a split in her routine to "One More Chance." But we hear that Bill Bradley will be doing an athletic performance of "Lucky Star" and Al Gore will give it his all with two numbers, "Guilty by Association" and "Frozen." George W. has said that he will have to play hooky because he was so busy preparing "Live to Tell" and "Papa Don't Preach" that he forgot to prepare for the actual debate. Rumor has it that Dan Quayle may show up to perform "This Used to be My Playground" and Bob Smith, New Hampshire's very own Independent candidate, may bring us his interpretation of "Where's the Party?"

Look for John McCain to steal the show and set himself apart from the competition by performing Britney Spears' "McCane Me Baby, One More Time." It should be a heck of a night, so keep your television tuned to CNN! Watch now as the band forms George W. in his fraternity days or Madonna, your call, and plays "Material Girl."

Thank you for joining us today, and we hope you’ll join us at UMass Cambridge next week as the Big Green takes on the Hahvahd knitting club.