And now, the only band in the Ivy League that would donate twenty bucks to rename Princeton Stadium "The Dartmouth College Marching Band!"

Band Downfield, DT1

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to today’s game pitting the Radioactive Tigers of Princeton against the Dartmouth College Big Green. That’s right, Green, like the color of grass before you allow New York to dump its raw sewage all over your state. Actually, the DCMB realizes that all of New Jersey is not filled with the industrial byproducts which characterize the northern half of the state. Instead, South Jersey’s toxic waste is concentrated right here in the Princeton student body. The Princeton Band’s blazers alone have enough nuclear material to permanently ruin the topsoil.

Watch now as Student Conductor Lauren "Does Princeton Have a Bell?"ucci leads the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Concert Formation, Alma Mater

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Bioethics means making sure premeds keep their eyes on their own papers, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Band Downfield, DT1

It seems that Princeton’s Bioethics faculty had a new addition recently, and the new guy on campus has some controversial views on animal rights and cloning. While the DCMB can see the benefits of cloning – Who wouldn’t want to have a copy of Wayne Schlobohm around after the year 2000? – we also fear its consequences. Someone would no doubt get the terrible idea of cloning Princeton students. More kids high on allowance and low on personality is one thing we don’t need. Still, Princeton students seem in need of an education on animal rights. Not only do the biology and psychology departments still do animal experimentation, but it seems many students are even unusually cruel to the residents of nearby Philadelphia.

Watch now as the band forms Philadelphia and plays [].

[Building], []

In case you still doubt that Princeton students are insensitive to animals, consider the fact that last week’s menu at the Prospect Avenue eating clubs all included some dish based on squirrel. Disgusting, you say? The DCMB doesn’t think it’s any worse than other habits of eating club members. As an example, here are the top ten reasons why eating squirrel is similar to hooking up with Princeton freshmen:

10. Both are best done only after heavy drinking.

9. Both are small and hard to catch.

8. Both leave your roommate wondering about the squeaking noises.

7. Bill Clinton’s probably done both.

6. Both sometimes froth at the mouth.

5. Both make you a little bit sick to your stomach.

4. Both start off bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

3. Neither one is anything to be proud of.

2. Either one can give you a disease.

And the number one reason eating squirrel is similar to hooking up with Princeton freshmen:

1. No self-respecting Dartmouth student would do either one.

Watch now as the band forms our advice on both issues and plays "Gimme Some Squirrel."

[Just Say No icon?], [Gimme Some Lovin]

The big news Princeton has been making around the country is its decision to raise financial aid packages for incoming students. While other schools have been raiding their endowments to match Princeton’s offers, the DCMB has to wonder where Princeton got the funds for such a move. One rumor is that the administration sold unmentionable parts of the Princeton Tiger as an aphrodesiac, though we think it’s more likely that they sold Princeton students as a form of birth control. We’ve also heard that funds may have been diverted from a project to build a biosphere over the town of Princeton, to protect the campus from the surrounding pollution. We think that a better way to remove pollution at Princeton would be not to have any students at all.

Watch now as the band forms a biosphere and plays [].

[Biosphere], []