And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks it’s too bad the Wizard of Oz didn’t give the Cowardly Lion a good education, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

DT1, Band Downfield

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to today’s game pitting the Lions of Columbia against the Dartmouth College Big Green. Please rise as Student Conductor Lauren "Hey, Where’s Max?" Bellucci leads the band in our National Anthem.

SSB, Concert Formation

There seems to be a lot going on at SUNY-Harlem. For instance, we hear that students there are complaining about their phone service. At first we didn’t quite understand. Unlike here in Hanover, Columbia’s residents are allowed to choose their phone company, don’t pay twice for the same phone line, and don’t have to maintain a $100 deposit. But then we found out the major complaint about phones in Columbia – Gargamel keeps calling to tell the Smurfs how much they suck.

In more exciting news, it turns out a professor at Columbia recently won a Nobel Prize. We were at first shocked, but then realized this sort of research could only happen at Columbia. What better to motivate studying how electrons bond together to form quasi-particles than Columbia students, who for years have bonded together to form quasi-classes at a quasi-university with a quasi-football team and a quasi-band.

Watch now as the DCMB welcomes Columbia Fans by playing their quasi-fight song.

Smurf Song by Jason Duty, Reverse Concert Formation

Please rise as Student Conductor Lauren "Yup, it’s me again" Bellucci directs the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Alma Mater, Concert Formation

And now, the only band in the Ivy League which thinks Buzzkill Slam, Diving Clothesline, and Inverted Suplex would all make great names for drinks, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

DT1, Band Downfield

It seems the Programming Board, which has brought such recent hits as Run DMC and the Four Tops to Hanover, has decided to sponsor another blast from the past this fall, Professional Wrestling. Sure, it’s fun to see overweight men beat each other up, but what’s the point? We think that some time in the ring could do more good if it were used to settle some of the following disputes:

The Archimedes Plutonium lawsuit: The scrappy theorist takes on the massive College bureaucracy after training in his cold fusion lab in the Hanover Inn dishroom.

Medical School Admissions: Chem and Bio majors duke it out in a free-for-all cage match. See it now on Pay Per View...

The New Inflatable Moose vs. the Old Fuzzy Moose: Is size most important, or is it what you do with it?

The Dartmouth Review vs. the Daily Dartmouth: One ignores the facts, one ignores its spellchecker, but which will prevail in the ring?

Elections: Presidential and Vice-Presidential debates could be replaced with a tag team match in Madison Square Garden refereed by newly elected governor of Minnesota, Jesse "The Body" Ventura...

Watch now as the band gets ready to get into the action, by forming (a wrestler?) and

playing New York, New York…

New York, New York

If you see tears in the eyes of the DCMB, it’s not because we feel bad that people actually have to go to Columbia. No, it’s the final home game of the 1998 season, and the Class of 1999’s final show at Memorial Field. We’d like to recognize the seniors who’ve contributed to the band over the last four years. They are:

Jess "It’s just a haircut, I’m not going" Baldwin, Baritone

Mike "Down with the ETS" Brewer, Show Chair and Kazoo

Mike "Off Off Off Broadway" Bruno, Kazoo

{{{ Andy "I Can’t Believe It’s Not" Butterworth, Trumpet }}}

Emily "Brown Sugar Helps Me" Copeland, Clarinet

{{{ Colin "Whatever happens, don’t tell the" Dean, Saxophone }}}

Wayne "All These Drummers and I’m the Only One With" DeBeatham,

Drum Captain and Snare Drum

Chrissy "You Made a Time Machine Out of a Delorenzo?", Tenor Drum

Meggan "Not a Blond, but Still a" Ditzler, Glockenspiel

Jen "Zoot" Gagne, Baritone Sax

Michelle "Cindy, Jan, Marcia, Bobby, Peter, and" Gregg, Trombone

Chris "Beat Chris, Smash Chris, Break Chris’s" Hodgson, Drum Major and Trombone

Adam "Mr. Keg" Mirick, Liquid Percussion

"Marc, Too Much Beer Can Make You" Sikkes, President and Trombone

Jarrod "I Can’t Believe They Make Me Read This Crap" Tisdell, Announcer

Watch now as the band sends the Class of 1999 into the wide wide world, DCMB style...

Pomp 5-0, 99