And now, the only band in the Ivy League that managed to restrain itself from making fun of Brown’s bald women, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Band Downfield, DT1

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the DCMB’s first appearance outside of Hanover this fall. Imagine our surprise when we arrived in Providence to find that the major controversy at Brown this term was Exit 20 producing an amusing but offensive satire of the Dartmouth Review, just a few months after Dartmouth’s Jack-O-Lantern pulled the exact same stunt. Okay, so Brown students doing pathetic imitations of Dartmouth is never a surprise. Brown’s President,

re-evaluating the University’s previous policy of free speech, or something like that, has declared that campus groups may now only be offensive if they promise not to be amusing. Word from the Brown Band is that they’ve been following that policy for years.

Please rise as student conductor Lauren "Lucci lucci bo bucci bananafana fo fucci me my mo mucci" Bellucci directs a real band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Concert Formation, Alma Mater

Watch now as the Brown Band form a football and offends, but does not amuse…

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that had all its copies of X-Men recalled by the Brown Library, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Band Downfield, DT1

Brown’s last president was noted for bringing the teenage children of the rich and famous to Providence. A new guy took over last year, though, and he seems to be taking this idea one step further, turning Brown into a kindergarten for the beautiful people. Witness the brown bag lunches recently added to dining services, the toy soldiers and comic books brought in to the Brown library’s special collections, and the denial of funding to the Charleston String Quartet in favor of

continued support of the Brown Elementary School Band. The DCMB can’t say we didn’t see it coming – Brown long ago adopted the traditional pre-school grading system of "satisfactory" and "needs improvement." The DCMB asked a Brown student how he felt about the change, but the only reply we could get out of him was, [whiny] "Gimme back my teddy bear..."

Watch now as the band forms the Brown teddy bear and plays "Hey, Mommy"

Bear, Hey Baby

It seems the changes the new president brought to the University have damaged students’ psyches. Apparently too many Brown students have been in counseling recently, and the University has had to cut mental health coverage in the student insurance plan. While blame has been spread around campus, we here at the DCMB know that it’s simply because Brown students have no friends to talk to. We’d like to help, though, by suggesting a few non-medical solutions to Brown’s mental health woes:

Forbid students from joining the Brown Band.

Consolidate, or even eliminate, the student body.

Walk the ten feet it takes to get the heck out of Rhode Island.

Or, of course you could always transfer to Dartmouth. What better way to forget your horrible Brown years than by drinking heavily? Watch now as the band shows prospective transfer students the value of a Dartmouth education:

Keg/Beer Bottle/?, Miller Time

Since we’re in the only state in the Union smaller than Washington, D.C., we thought some political news was in order. As everyone knows, in light of the recent Republican setback, Newt Gingrich has decided to resign as Speaker of the House. The DCMB wondered what Newt was going to do with all his free time, but we realized he had lots of options:

He could join the Brown Band and drift into total obscurity.

Watch now as the band forms Newt in outer space and plays "Joy to the Worlds..."

(Solar System with Newt?), Joy to the World

[Hick voice] Cover your ears, folks, there’s a sheep joke a-coming!