And now, the only band in the Ivy League that’s tripping, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Columbia is proud of a number of its famous alumni, and holds them up as examples for current students. The DCMB thinks this an excellent idea, so much so that we’ve decided to chip in with alumni we wish the Columbia Band would imitate. We wish they’d model themselves on Teddy Roosevelt: play softly and carry a big schtick. We wish they’d copy Lou Gehrig and run home. We wish they’d imitate Madeline Albright and leave the country. We wish they’d follow George Stephanopolus and quit. And, most of all, we wish they’d emulate Amelia Earhart and disappear.

Please rise as student conductor Angela, la, la la la la [á la Smurfs] Schiebout leads us in honoring Dartmouth alumni with the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Halftime:
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that can pop a cap in yo’ backside, the Notorious D.C.M.B.!

Band downfield to DT1.

Continuing on the alumni theme, we noticed that Dartmouth and Columbia had two similar alumni, Dr. Ruth and Dr. Seuss. We don’t know if they ever collaborated, but if they did, this is what it might have sounded like.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blonde fish,

There are so many fish to see,

Why can’t we practice polygamy?

Would you do it in a box,

Would you do it with a fox,

I will not do it, Sam-I-Ain’t,

I’m only thrilled by body paint.

Doctor, doctor, help me please,

My boyfriend won’t get on his knees.

Don’t worry, dear, just grab his nose,

And twist until he does propose.

Other titles take on a whole new meaning, including:

"Oh, the Places You’ll Go!," "Fox in Socks," "And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street," "Ten Apples up on Top," "I Am Not Going to Get Up Today," "Hop on Pop," "I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today," "Come Over to My House," and "Marvin K. Mooney, Will you please go"

Down on the field, the Band will now form a tiger and play Eye of the Tiger.

Due to a strike, many Columbia classes are now being held in unusual off-campus locations. The DCMB did some investigative work, and discovered our new favorite class venues:

Asian Markets in Chinatown

Toxicology in the Hudson River

Business in Little Italy

Modern Art in the subway

Criminology in Central Park

Pyrotechnics at the World Trade Center,

Linguistics in cabs

and Women’s Studies…on 42nd Street.

Watch now as the band forms the world’s third tallest building and plays "Joy to the World Trade Center."

Thank you for coming out today, and enjoy the rest of the game.