And Now… The only band in the Ivy League that applied to the electoral college and got rejected, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Well, the construction is finally off the Green, just in time for the destruction of Collis. Now that the popular student center is going to be leveled, we wonder what will happen to all those people who are used to eating and working there. Here are some predictions for this culinarily bleak winter:

– Dick’s House will become overcrowded, treating victims of "Hummus Withdrawal Syndrome."

– Lou’s will attempt to capture the market by offering kumquat date banana onion squid nut garlic raisin yoghurt cumin sesame tofu carrot mushroom bread.

– Safety and Security, relocated to Rope Ferry road, will institute longer breaks due to increased travel time to Dunkin’s.

– Eleazar’s Dungeon will move to Parkhurst, because of the comedians already in residence there.

– The Collis Governing Board will be seen wandering campus aimlessly, looking for something else to fill their resumés.

– But perhaps the most tragic consequence of the renovation is that students will be left with absolutely no place to gather socially – NOT. Watch now as the band forms two Collis bagels, and plays the Bagel Street Blues.

(band forms round, firm bagels, plays Basin St.)

Please rise as student conductor Ross Nova leads the band in the playing of the Alma Mater.

Please remain standing as Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts our National Anthem.

HALFTIME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League who thinks that Andrew Beebe should be loaded and fired, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Here at the last home game of the season, the DCMB would like to take a few moments to acknowledge the marching band seniors.

Jeff Allen

Chuck Borton, Show Chair

Lew Cirne

Ian Etra, Show Chair

Tom Eyford

Dave Kaiser, President

Manu Kalia, Equipment Manager

Bill Lapcevic, Dork (Announcer)

Jeff Middents

Chris Onken, Drum Major

Mazia Qaiser, General Manager and Secretary

Marianne Ruhl, ‘93 Rep

Jon Ruiz

We’d also like to thank all the people who have made this such a great season:

Max Culpepper, our faculty director and quicker, thicker alumni butter-upper.

Athletic Director Dick Jaeger, our censor, um-editor?, ah reviewer.

The Hanover Police Department, for not arresting any band members THIS year, and for providing lots of comic material.

Dan Quayle, for providing fail-safe material for four years.

And finally, the Dartmouth football team for being so damn good!

We’d like to conclude this sentimental part of our show by forming the numerals of the greatest class ever on the field while playing Pomp and Circumstance… as well as another sentimental classic.

(Band forms 93, then 5-0)

Many may be unaware that today has been declared Plutonium Day by that mastermind of Physics and Dishwashing, Ludwig Plutonium. While Plutonium day is often overlooked, falling between Columbus Day and Thanksgiving, we feel that more attention should be paid to this celebration of nuclear unity and universality. Or something. Anyway, here are the Top Ten Ways Dartmouth can celebrate Plutonium Day:

10. Free X-rays at Mary Hitchcock

9. Plutonium-splitting competition on Green

8. Refrain from celebration, protesting the brutal exploitation of Uranium

7. Psi U. holds first annual plutonium jump

6. Wait for Ludwig to emerge from the dishroom in the Hanover Inn and see if he casts a shadow

5. Streak through Wilder wearing Einstein Under-roos

4. Dan Quay—er, AL GORE

3. Ben & Jerry’s offers Banana-Plutonium Chunk ice cream

2. Glow-in-the-dark vigil on the green

And the number one way to celebrate Plutonium day,

1. Co-ed naked fusion

Watch now as the band forms: [cross out whichever doesn’t apply]

[a] a Plutonium atom

[b] the chemical symbol for Plutonium- P.U.

and plays the physics classic, Smells Like Plutonium Spirit.

The DCMB recently found among its junk mail an invitation to join the Columbia House University and Record Club. It looks like a pretty good deal: 8 courses for just a penny, and then you only need pass two more over the next four years. Of course, the selection leaves something to be desired. You can choose from these fabulous titles:

Physical education 69: How to run from muggers, leap subway turnstiles, and dodge taxicabs.

Health 5: Don’t Drink the Water

Chemistry 31: Testing drug purity

Art History 17: Graffiti in the post-modern era

Environmental Studies 19: Wildlife of the sewers

Of course, there’s a catch in this offer: if you fail Music 3, Street Music for Money, you automatically get placed into Columbia’s marching band. Fortunately, no one at Dartmouth has been taken in by Columbia’s offer. We’d now like to provide some real musical entertainment by forming the Statue of Liberty’s head, and playing a song rarely heard at Columbia, [cross out whichever doesn’t apply]

[a] Miller Time

[b] When do you say Budweiser?

We’d like to thank you for coming to today’s game, and hope you have enjoyed this football season. Be sure to join us in the winter, as the DCMB mutates into the Dartmouth College Winter Band and attends the men’s and women’s hockey and basketball games. Enjoy the second half.